Amanda and Kevin Lewis lived in Lynnwood, Washington. While they were married for ten years, the marriage began to crumble early on because of Kevin’s controlling nature. When Amanda finally moved out threatening divorce, Kevin showed up in her driveway one night and beat her around the head before she could even get out of her car. She reported the assault to the police. After that, a chilling murder plot unfolded, ending in the death of Amanda’s loving sister, Punky.
LYNN: How has being married to an abusive man changed you as a person?
AMANDA: The important thing to know about this is that I didn’t even realize I was married to an abusive man. Kevin was not physically abusive to me during the marriage. It wasn’t until I wanted a divorce that he got physical. I’d have to say that he was emotionally abusive, although I didn’t recognize the signs enough to call it abuse. But he was controlling and jealous from the beginning.
LYNN: How has your overall experience with Kevin changed your life long-term?
AMANDA: The biggest thing is just not having my sister. I still struggle with guilt from the whole situation, and I continue to work on that.
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According to the CDC, intimate partner violence results in nearly 1,300 deaths and 2 million injuries in the US each year.
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LYNN: How did having children play in your decision to stay with your husband?
AMANDA: They were a big part of why I stayed for so long. Honestly though, things weren’t horrible most of the time. He was just a jerk sometimes. A lot of the time, it was just normal life, and there were even good times. But over the years, I got tired of the lack of affection and the mean things he’d say to me. He knew I didn’t want to become a statistic or have my kids growing up in separate homes. And when I left Kevin, he would use this to guilt me into coming back to work on the marriage.
LYNN: You mentioned in the Netflix series that you would have done things differently had you known that abusive men become most dangerous once the woman decides to leave them. Knowing that now, what would you have done differently?
AMANDA: I would just be more careful. After I left, I installed cameras into the home I was living in. The cameras were internet cameras that fed into my phone, but I lost my phone the day before the murder. When I got a new phone, I didn’t immediately reinstall the app for the cameras. So, it wasn’t recording at the time of the murder.
That’s the sad part. I could have had it all on camera. But also, before that, I was very careful not to give Kevin my address. I hadn’t given him the address for probably a month to two after moving there because I just didn’t want him to have it. But then I got really sick with the flu and could barely move. I couldn’t even take care of the kids. In fact, my daughter, who I think was five at the time, was changing my son’s diaper and making sandwiches for dinner because I was just lying on the bathroom floor.
It got so bad that when Kevin called, I asked if he could come and take the kids, and sent him my address. When he got to the house, he came inside and didn’t just gather the kids up and go, but started looking around, going upstairs, and making comments. I knew I shouldn’t have given him my address, because it was after that that he threatened me and showed up early in the morning one day. And then the driveway assault happened, and ultimately the murder.
I don’t think there’s anything I could’ve done to prevent the way he reacted; other than maybe I dragged the divorce idea out too long because I couldn’t make up my mind. I mean, it was tough. I didn’t want to break up my family
LYNN: What kinds of resources were you able to tap into after your sister was killed?
AMANDA: I didn't utilize a lot of resources. The only thing I really used was the DV shelter. I was really hesitant to go there because I had an image in my mind of what a shelter would look like. My divorce lawyer was the one who arranged it for me. I had stayed out at my dad's house for a few days, but then eventually went to the shelter. My dad’s house wasn't exactly a great hiding place, since it was a well-known location to the family. Plus, I was trying to get my kids back to school so they could resume some sense of normal activity, and my dad's house was an hour and a half away.
LYNN: Tell me about the shelter.
AMANDA: The shelter was incredible, and I felt very safe and secure there. I was not given the address to the shelter. I had to meet a representative at an assigned location so she could first verify my identity before giving me the shelter address and instructions. The entire property was gated, and I had to enter a code to drive in. I then had to enter a code to get into the building.
We had our own private room, which kind of looked like a dorm room. It had two double bunk beds and its own bathroom. There were laundry facilities down the hall, where I could wash our clothes. Downstairs was a commercial kitchen, where you could bring your own food to cook. There was also a playground and computer room. There were counselors and advocates to help people with various things like establishing new housing or employment. Fortunately, I had saved up enough money to not need to utilize those services, but I know they were a great help to those who did.
LYNN: What have you learned that you could tell other women in similar situations?
AMANDA: I've really learned all kinds of things. I would say one of the big things is that just because someone is not physically abusive doesn't mean you're not in a domestic violence relationship. Domestic violence can take all forms. There are power and control dynamics that are pretty consistent for abusers. For instance, domestic violence isn’t just physical. It can also be coercive control, which is a pattern of intimidation, degradation, or isolation, and threats. There's also financial abuse, and of course psychological or emotional abuse. To stay safe, it's important for women to recognize the science and the signs and then do something about it before tragedy strikes.
LYNN: Thank you so much, Amanda. My heart bleeds for you because you lost your sister. But, thankfully, those who perpetrated the crime are behind bars and you're here to raise your two beautiful children.
Watch Amanda's episode on Netflix: “Worst Ex-Ever” Season 1: episode 4 “Married to a Monster” (2024)
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